Chapter 4: Keeping the Beat 

Here I am, lifting my head out of the Mommy Fog to sniff around a bit before descending back down. I am now 3 months into being a mother of two, and no one could have ever prepared me for how impossible it sometimes feels. Not that I'm suggesting that people didn't try, but no amount of "horror stories" or warnings from other people can possibly live up to the reality. On the one hand, it still feels so new and foreign. On the other hand, the last three months have felt like three years. I have been desperately, yet patiently, trying to find my groove. It's painfully evident to everyone who has been around me lately that I have had...well...not much success. 

(me, to everyone and everything in my life)

When I'm teaching, I have some semblance of control. I have my classroom, and in that classroom, I have rules and procedures. I have expectations. I have an ever-rotating room full of teenagers who are (more or less) capable of understanding and following those rules, procedures, and expectations. There's a schedule, and the faithful bells hold us all to that schedule. Does everything always go exactly to plan? Absolutely not. Are there students who don't meet those expectations, or struggle to follow procedures (whether it's by choice or not)? Of course. But the structure is there. It's familiar, and comfortable. 

Now, I'm home with an infant and a toddler. Neither of these beautiful creatures have any interest in following a schedule. They couldn't care less what my expectation is for the day or their behavior. I might as well be getting the middle finger from them all day long for all they care about my routines, and they find it really adorable and hilarious that I think I'm calling the shots around here. I expected this to be difficult for a while, but definitely thought that I would have settled into a groove by now. Knowing my weaknesses going into this, I tried to come at it fully prepared by setting myself a schedule; a visual outline of which tasks need to be completed on which days. Is it a Monday? That's kitchen day. Tuesday? Bathrooms and laundry. Wednesday? Time to hit the grocery store. It all makes sense on paper. It felt so easy and so doable to look at this list and see one or two tasks on each day that left all the household chores being completed each week. So why do I still feel like I'm drowning every day? Why do I feel like I'm running at 100 mph all day while still accomplishing nothing? WHERE IS MY GROOVE? 

Here's what I'm starting to learn: the groove doesn't exist. At least, not for me. At least, not right now. If my kids were older and in school? Yeah, that might be easier. But, as it stands, the groove is unreachable for me right now, and I need to stop killing myself trying to get there. It's all well and good to look at a pretty schedule on paper that would work in a perfect world, but I don't live in a perfect world, and life just keeps getting in the way. Speech therapy/OT appointments, dentists and doctors, illness, colicky babies, terrible twos, daycare closures, there's always something that throws things for a loop. 

So, I'm starting a new plan. Instead of desperately searching for the groove, I'm going to focus on keeping the beat. There are things in my life I can control, but there's about a million things that I can't. I need to remember that this is a whole new world that I'm entering, and it's going to take time for me to settle into it and really feel comfortable. I feel comfortable and in control in the classroom because I did it for nine years. I've only been doing this for a few months. So, when the road bends, I'm going to lean into the curve. When the tank's run dry, I'm going to see what's in reserve. When the plans break down, I'm going to stay on my feet. And all I can do at the end of the day is play on, and keep the beat.