Chapter 1: Fear

Here I am with my next post...literally weeks later. I told y'all I was bad at this whole blogging thing. Here's hoping I can pick up my groove with it and start writing a little more regularly. 

In my last post, I talked about all of the things that led me to the decision to quit my job and become a stay-at-home mom. In a lot of ways, I am really excited about this new adventure, and it's a huge relief to know that I will no longer be spread so thin. In this post, though, I wanted to talk about the things that make this new chapter such a terrifying one; the anxieties and fears that come with taking this detour. 

1. Change

The simplest one, and yet, one of the strongest. Change is something that has always been a difficult thing for me. I don't know why, but it's one of the things I have been exploring in therapy. I just like things to stay the same, and find a huge comfort in that. New places, new people, new jobs, new vehicles, new experiences, a new brand of toothpaste...they all fill me with an unexplainable anxiety. Regardless of the reason, I am never one who seeks out change or gets any excitement from it. Give me my comfortable routines, people, and places, and never take them away. As you can imagine, this is making the journey I'm about to begin seem very scary. I keep looking around my school and my classroom thinking, "This has been my home for 9 years. These have been my patterns and routines. How can I say goodbye to them?" I am doing my best to convince myself that I am ready for all of the changes about to come my way, but really? I'm scared to death.

2. Leaving Teaching

I love being a teacher. I love developing and planning new curriculum and exciting ways to teach things. I love working with obnoxious teenagers. I love seeing the looks on their faces when they make a connection or understand something they hadn't before. I love reading the things they write in my Language Arts classes. I love watching them perform, create, and find themselves in my Theatre classes. I love watching them grow throughout the years they are in my classroom. I love being a mentor and a guide. Anyone with a brain knows that people who choose to teach aren't doing it for the money, the value is 100% intrinsic. I am constantly being faced with new problems at work. As frustrating as those challenges may be, it's exciting to come up with creative solutions, and to see those solutions pan out (either successfully or unsuccessfully). Are there things that make teaching unbearable? Yes. Have a lot of things happened in the last few years that have made it even worse? Abso-freaking-lutely. However, the idea of walking away from all of the amazing parts is tearing me apart. I keep looking at my 7th and 8th graders and getting pains in my heart about leaving them. I tell people all the time that it feels unfair to be a secondary teacher in situations like this. As an elementary teacher, you typically say goodbye to all of your kids at the end of each year, regardless of what the next year holds. As a secondary teacher, it wouldn't matter when I left. There are always more groups of students that I would have had again next year if I had stuck around. If I told myself, "I'll just stick it out until this group leaves," there would always be another group behind them that I can't bear to leave. It's getting overwhelming to creep closer and closer to walking away from a life and career that means so much to me. 

3. Money

This is an obvious one. Becoming a single-income household is terrifying, to say the least. We have had lots of conversations about the things we are going to need to cut back on in order to make this work, and some of them have already been put into play. We sub-leased the RV, Mark sold his truck and work trailer, we are tightening up on our budget, etc. There's only so much fat you can ever trim, though. We are in for a long road of adjusting to our new financial situation. There are some things that will naturally balance themselves out (not driving 30 minutes to and from work every day will save me a bit on gas, dropping Charlie's daycare down to two days a week will save a good chunk, Mark's new job has much better insurance premiums, etc.), but we are under no impression that this is going to be easy. And, I'm terrified. 

4. Loss of Validation and Identity

This one feels like the most ridiculous and selfish one, but here we are. I am, by no means, under the impression that I am a perfect teacher. I wouldn't even call myself an amazing one. However, I do believe I am good at my job, and I get a lot of validation from it. Hearing from admin, students, teachers, and coworkers that I have done a good job and that my work is appreciated just feels good, dammit. I don't care who you are, that kind of validation is nice, if not essential. Now, I don't need anyone to pat me on the head at work, give me a gold star, and tell me "good job" every day, but we can all agree that it makes a huge difference to hear that you are valued. Losing that validation makes me less than comfortable. Keeping your children alive and your house up to par aren't exactly things that you get a lot of external validation for. My struggle now is wondering where I am going to get those little boosts. Where is that validation going to come from that will keep me motivated? Of course, I will do the things, because I need to, and want to. But it makes it feel much more fulfilling and satisfying when there is someone telling you that you've done a good job. 

A lot of my identity is also wrapped up in being a teacher. It's who I am. It's my purpose. It's what gets me up and out of the house every day. Who am I, if that's gone? I don't mean to say, by any means, that it's not "enough" to be a wife and a mom. I love my husband, my daughter, and my unborn son more than I could ever put into words. But I want to maintain some kind of personal identity beyond those things. Am I just "Charlie and (Name TBD)'s mom?" Or do I have a sense of purpose separate from that?

5. "Endless Summer"

This is the biggest one that has been weighing on me, and the one I have talked to death with my therapist. What has struck me with panic to my core is the idea of this next chapter becoming an "endless summer break." That sounds, on its surface, like a good thing. However, for me, it's a horror story. Last summer, my depression skyrocketed. Being home all day with nothing to do but take care of Charlie and the house just put me into an unbelievable rut that I couldn't manage to climb out of. I didn't take care of myself, because what was the point? Why get up and shower, put on real clothes, makeup, do anything with my hair...when I'm just going to be cleaning and chasing a toddler around all day? My social anxiety leads to me not ever leaving the house or being around people unless I have to, so I very rarely saw anyone beyond Charlie and Mark. So, naturally, one of the things that scares me the most about all of this is the idea of that scenario becoming my life. I certainly won't thrive in it, and I may not survive it. Not only do I not want that for myself, that's not the person I want to be for my husband and my children. I don't want to go back to being a shell of a person who can't figure out what their purpose or identity is. I don't want to say, "What's the point?" when it comes to taking care of myself. I don't want to hate myself for not being the person I want to be, but not having the energy to be that person. The depression and deep feelings of self-hatred that plagued me last summer are starting to creep into my periphery, and I am desperate to keep them at bay. One of the biggest goals I have set for myself is to go into this chapter intentionally: this is not summer break, this is my new life. I'm going to get up and get ready every day, because it will make me feel good about myself. I'm going to organize my time and life around the house, because this is my full-time job now. I'm going to make myself get out of the house and be around other people, because it's healthy for myself and my children. 

Is any of this going to be easy? Of course not. It's going to be a challenge every day. But, my life as a teacher is challenging every day. I am up for the challenge. I have an incredible support system, I have determination, and I have two little lives to stay strong for. I have to make this next chapter work. Whether this is a temporary life shift or a permanent one, I have to make it work.